The Artist's Way - Week 1

The first week of The Artist's Way course was about Recovering a Sense of Safety.

Despite my earnest (initial) commitment, I was still fairly skeptical about it all. That's just me though; I'm cynical to a fault about most things. You can see as much from this extract of my morning pages:

"So apparently I have to disentangle all the damaging, negative, unhelpful and malicious things that've been said to me. Why? Aren't you supposed to be building/growing a thick skin, thus the whole acceptance of criticism is part and parcel? It could very well be, but not if it crushes you. Not if it paralyses you, although it would be too easy to blame my reaction on other people and say “that creative writing course paralyzed me, so it did” when in reality I'm responsible for when and how I write and who can paralyze me or not. The statement shouldn't be that “they paralyzed me” but “I let them paralyze me”.

I react positively to hurtful comments for a little while. I get a burst of defiance and a productivity spike but it's not enough. That's because I'm using the wrong things to propel me and fuel my writing.

I have to admit, I found the morning pages difficult. I've written many a morning page in my time, and am fully aware of the benefits of it, but it didn't feel like my usual trippy nonsense. It felt more like the unclogging of accumulated whiney bile. I was quietly hopeful it would improve over the coming weeks.

Week 1 was about uncovering my Core Negative Beliefs. In my notebook, I wrote "I can't be a successful, prolific, creative artist because..." then let it rip.

It wasn't pretty.

Among my fears:

• I would undoubtedly descend into madness
• I had no decent, unique ideas
• I would die an unfulfilled writer
• I even started berating myself for not having material aspirations... yeah I don't know where that one came from either.

One task was to write this next sentence ten times, followed by whatever sprung to mind immediately upon writing it:

I, Catherine Noble, am a brilliant and prolific writer.

I tell ye, if you're ever struggling to figure out where your negativity stems from, DO THIS EXERCISE.

Don't get me wrong, the usual suspects were there: nasty, personal attacks and the opinions of pretentious arsehole writers sometimes known to pollute my beloved Radio 4 podcasts, but I was astonished to hear the words of people who matter most to me, or who I look up to in the big ol' writersphere. Even my own (well-meaning) advice to other writers cropped up, to my intense shame.

I had to create my own personal affirmations. I'm not a fan of the Law of Attraction theory, but I do appreciate gratitude and positive thinking. Some of my affirmations felt more resonant than others depending on my mood when I read them. This is why it's good for me to have a varied list. Reading them is like a lovely soothing balm. I would recommend it, if you're a bitter lemon like myself.

Apparently I'm what Julia Cameron would call a 'shadow artist': someone who doesn't have the balls to be a fully fledged, uninhibited artist, so surrounds themselves with creative types, joins the writing groups, attends the writerly events, in the hope they'll be inspired to create.

Does that sound familiar to you, too?

This was my favourite quote in The Artist's Way so far. "Very often audacity, not talent, makes one person an artist and another a shadow artist".

So, my main priority for Week 1 was get some gall. Risk affrontery. Take myself seriously, but not too seriously...

Every week, you're supposed to take yourself on an Artist Date. For this, I set aside a couple of hours to work on my Vision Board. I do one every year; it's always a surprise to see how much my goals and attitudes change over time. Pinterest is a fantastic way to get inspired for creating a vision board, but be warned: it's not good for the old discipline. It's a cruel temptress.

And that concludes Week 1. Have you participated in the Artist's Way? I'd love to hear your experiences.

Take care
Catherine x  ◦

The Artist's Way - Week 1

Droplets

A jug fills drop by drop, according to Buddha, and that’s an ideal way to describe the current state of play with my novel: comprised of many (many) drops, going through a purification of sorts, before it is ready to be poured (into the minds of beta readers? OK... I’ll stop with the jug analogy).

The month of January was bittersweet, as far as writing goes. Refreshed from my Nano-break, I thrust myself into revising “Brothers”: a novel born in the Gallery of Modern Art one Sunday afternoon in September 2012, which flourished into a 39k first draft. I imagined it would be the most pleasurable (of all my First Drafts) to shape into a Proper Book first.

Naturally, the story then took a completely different direction, and what I have in my laptop now looks like a very distant cousin of the first draft. I’m very pleased with the new developments, but I can’t help mourning that poor first attempt, with its cardboard plotline and faceless characters. I really thought it was amazing at the time, which alarms me somewhat. Nevertheless, I’m moving forward with it nicely. I'm pleased to report Draft Three has commenced.

Would any other writers care to join me in an admission? Who else gets “author crushes”? Gone are the days where my reading experience is confined to within the covers of a book. Now I absorb everything about an author. I scour their websites. I watch interviews of them on YouTube. I download podcasts in which they appear. January's crushes were JK Rowling and Margaret Atwood.

As previously admitted, I’ve never read a Harry Potter novel. Many see this as a slight on my character, but I was thrilled to be in a rare, impartial position (notwithstanding my adoration after her Harvard Commencement Address) to read The Casual Vacancy . And I loved it. Just… bloody adored it. I had a good cry at the end, for the sake of humanity and its many perils explored in the book. Not long after finishing, I was kneeling on the kitchen floor, surrounded by clothes being sorted into dark & whites for the machine. I was snivelling away when my other half entered the room, took one look at me, and said “Sake… it’s only a book!”

As any writer/reader can imagine, this only further increased my despair.

I picked up Margaret Atwood’s The Year of The Flood from the library and, what with it being “speculative fiction”, I didn’t think I’d be particularly enamoured with it. But I’d heard her writing style was beautiful and  I have to say... it really is. I found myself writing down passages that struck me, to join the ever growing passages from novels that inspire me to learn good writing craft. Do you do that too? Care to share them?

Although my ultimate goal is to write novels, I have been seduced by the lure of the Short Story. Virginia Woolf once described her daily diaries as containing “diamonds of the dust heap” and I believe writing short stories would be a perfect opportunity to sift through my own (ever increasing) dust heap in the form of Morning Pages and copious note-taking. There must be diamonds in there somewhere. I have more ideas written down now than I’ll ever be able to work with, so it gives them a fresh opportunity to thrive.

Anyway, I'll stop waffling for now. I do hope everyone is getting on well with their writing. I'll leave you with a photo I took the other day, which might be a useful writing prompt:

 

 

Take care,

Catherine x

◦

Droplets

NaNoWriMo 2012

Who's all taking part in NaNoWriMo this year?

I'm really looking forward to getting stuck into a brand new story. The thing is... it starts in less than 17 hours and I haven't settled on an idea yet!

This is highly unusual for me. Last year, I posted about my NaNoWriMo planning in September, for crying out loud. I had a spreadsheet and everything!

Sometimes I cringe when I look back at my previous posts, full of naive promise and unrealistic targets. In that September post, I said "It's important for me to keep as organised as humanly possible. It's how I work. I need to establish routine and commit to it fully."

On the 2nd October last year, I panicked about only having 29 days left to "plan and prepare" for NaNo.

Oh how things have changed...

I'm hoping my current calm is a sign of growth and confidence in my ability, rather than apathy. I am still committed to my 50k in November. In truth, I've been so wrapped up in finishing the first draft of my current WIP "Brothers", I've not given myself the chance to think too much about NaNo. I know that I have a few novels to edit in 2013, that I'm really passionate about, so the pressure is off for this one.

I'm quite excited about the possibility of going with the flow and being a bit experimental with my story. I'm still getting up at 4:30am to do my freewriting Morning Pages, which have proved beneficial, amusing and slightly eccentric. It's probably the reason I'm less interested in structure this time round and more interested in seeing how far I can stretch my creative muscles.

On the NaNoWriMo website, I named my novel "Solid Ground" because the words flashed up on the telly at the time of writing. Chances are the real title won't transpire till the end of November. But who knows? It could be a sign!

How are you all getting on? Are you all set for a month of writing?

Best of luck to everyone participating! ◦

NaNoWriMo 2012

Don't give up the day job, hen.

It’s been a month since I last blogged. How did that happen? Where have I been?

 

Well, I’ve been writing. I’ve been tearing through the first draft of a new novel I’m working on, and I’ve been learning my craft. I’ve been doing my Morning Pages every day as soon as my eyes flicker open (4:30am on workdays. Ouch). I’ve been clustering and journaling and plotting and spending all my time either writing or thinking about writing.

I’ve sacrificed my bubble of ignorance for observation; overhearing and capturing snippets of conversation that I find hilarious or disturbing.

The downside of observing others for research purposes, however, is the obligation to tolerate humanity. I despair! 

Overall, though, I couldn’t be happier with my progress at this point in time.

Nobody is immune from insecurities. So what am I insecure about this month?

Well, all this heightened writing activity has naturally had an effect on how I spend my days. Considering I don’t tell many people about my writing (you know, apart from the thousands of people who’ve read this blog), it would appear to most that I've either:

a) become obscenely lazy
b) become (even more) anti-social
c) developed a cleaning & organisation fetish

Let me illustrate this with a few conversation snippets.

A colleague asks: “What did you get up to this weekend?”

• Me (internally): “Oh, just opening a few veins, bleeding on to a page or ten.”

• Me (externally): “Oh, I just had a quiet one, I didn’t do anything, really.”

Mum calls me:“What are your plans for the day?”

• Me (internally): “A few clustering & freewrite exercises, followed by a mammoth writing session”
• Me (externally): “Oh, just rearranging my wardrobe and cleaning the windows.”

When disappearing from my desk every lunchtime (when for the last 5 years I’ve taken lunch at my desk), I'm asked: “Did you have a nice lunch?”

• Me (internally):“It was wonderful. I managed 1249 words in 34 minutes.”

• Me (externally): “Aye, it was alright.” (No further elaboration)

Why do I stop myself from mentioning my goal – nay, my purpose – in life? Because... people will act like you’re a weirdo, like you've just admitted to skinning cats for fun, if you do something as silly as that. Which makes them the real weirdos, really, but I remain silent nonetheless.

For me, telling someone you’re a writer is like telling a fellow Glaswegian you’re teetotal. You’re met with a glazed, confused stare. It’s beyond comprehension to many. 

In the “Start Writing Fiction” podcast from the Open University, author Michèle Roberts gives some sage advice: “Don’t tell the wrong people that you want to write, because they’ll mock you and laugh at you.”

So who are the “wrong people?” Personally, I consider that to be everyone who doesn't infact write themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I talk about my writing, to an extent, to my nearest and dearest, but I wouldn't hark on to my neighbours or colleagues about it.

So why allow myself to come across as someone I'm not? Why not just confess my writerly ways?

Because it was hard enough convincing myself that writing isn’t simply an act of self-indulgence, without having to convince other people too.

The more involved I am with my writing, the more precious it is becoming to me, and the more fiercely I will protect my right to write.

I’ve opened that can of worms before. In a more gallus temperament, I’ve spoken of my writing ambition to some "wrong people". It invariably created questions. Sceptical questions. “What, so you think you’re going to get published? Do you fancy yourself as the next J. K. Rowling? You’ll have to keep your day job, of course.”

Calm down, pal.

In order to explain your writing dream properly, you’d have to spend a hell of a lot of time talking about yourself. And I don’t care for talking about myself. I’d rather go and write about other people, to be frank.

Sometimes I wonder if it scares some people, seeing someone pursue their dreams. Perhaps it forces them to wonder about their own dreams; ones that remain unfulfilled. The path to writing is unique because you can’t really follow step-by-step instructions to becoming qualified (believe me, I’ve tried), like the way you can in another career like a mechanic or a midwife. Maybe this is why most people don’t consider writing as a real profession.

One of the most common attributes of writers, I like to believe, is their ability not to care too much about what other people think of them. Otherwise, they’d be too terrified to even think about writing, don’t you think?

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all sinister attitudes and ugliness. Perhaps people genuinely are happy for you and wish you all the best with your endeavours. Maybe everything I just said above wasn’t a reflection on other people, but of my own insecurities as a writer.

In that case, when better to divulge these insecurities than in my post for the Insecure Writers Support Group, hmm?

How is everyone getting on? Have you had any experiences of sharing your writing dream with the "wrong people"?

I shall catch up with all my fellow #ISWG writers over the weekend. Looking forward to it! x ◦

Don't give up the day job, hen.